What I Wore Sunday

I've been enjoying WIWS for a few weeks, so I thought I'd try to tag along with the cool kids.

And since I'm dreadfully uncool, this is as good as it gets with a self-timer.....

Of course, there's not much to say about the lovely frump-maternity attire.

Dress:  Old Navy Maternity from Pregnancy #2, 3 years ago

Boots:  Lane Bryant

Scarf:  Wal-Mart, about a million years ago

17 Week Baby Bump: Pregnancy #3

Hair: bad genes

Awkward Factor: 100% Me

Bringing down the cool factor of WIWS, for sure.  Better luck to me next week.  :)

A Whole New Life

So many things have changed since I started the blog a few months ago. 

In July I made the decision that I wanted to join the Church.  I made the appropriate contact with the church and got signed up for RCIA. 

The first weekend of August we went on vacation with Mr. Solo's family.  It was a very loooong weekend that left us all somewhat frustrated and tired.  It's just hard staying in very close quarters with so many adults and children underfoot.  We came home only to find out that we had a permanent reminder of this long weekend.  Baby #3 is on the way.  Much as this is a huge blessing to us now and something we didn't even really know we wanted or needed, it certainly didn't feel that way on the third week of August when I nearly passed out upon seeing that "Pregnant" on the digital pregnancy test.  Mr. Solo was not terribly happy, as he had never wanted more than 2 children.  He blamed himself for the "mistake" and I think in his own way he blamed me a little for not learning enough about NFP.  Live and learn I guess.  Anyway, we are both quite excited now that the shock has worn off and Thing 1 and Thing 2 are quite excited about the news of a new brother or sister.

Less than a week before our August 20th anniversary, we got the wonderful news that my annulment had been approved.  We went about setting up our convalidation ceremony and on October 27, 2012 we had our marriage officially validated by the local parish.  It was most definitely one of the best days of our lives.  We only had about 10 people present, only our closest family and friends and our two children.  We all got a bit of a laugh when during the ceremony the priest asked something to the effect of, "Will you accept and love the children you already have and any others that God sees fit to send you?"  With our two children sitting behind us in the first row of the tiny chapel, fighting noisily with each other, and a 13 week baby in my womb, it was certainly a moment that made us laugh.  I am so grateful for the wonderful young priests in our parish.  If it weren't for Father Jason's loving response to me when I inquired about the annulment process, I would have never sought the annulment in the first place.  Now I have a valid marriage and a new life on the way.  God works in amazing ways.

I'll take an annulment with a side of shame, please....

When Mr. Solo and I got engaged, initially everyone was happy for us.  We got engaged less than 2 months after our first date, so I was concerned that my family may think I was rushing into another marriage.  It turned out that my family was the least of our worries.

My future father-in-law was initially happy for us, but then things went to crap.  Because of my previous marriage, and his Catholic faith, there was of course an issue.  He "requested" that we take a meeting with the local priest and discuss the possibility of an annulment for my first marriage so that we could be married in the Catholic Church.  There were a few issues with this, in my opinion.  A: I wasn't Catholic and neither was my first husband, so why the heck did I need an annulment?  B: It was going to take probably over a year to complete and we were getting married in a matter of months.  C: We weren't planning on having a Catholic wedding anyway.  Since I grew up Protestant, I had very little information on what an annulment really was and why the Church thinks it is a necessary step.  The priest that met with us didn't help the pre-conceived notions I already had.  He served up the shame throughout the entire meeting; laughing, making jokes about my divorce, making me feel like less of a person.  I was so ashamed when I left that meeting.  I was so hurt and embarassed I vowed that I would NEVER seek an annulment, and I wouldn't have much if anything to do with the Catholic Church EVER.  I knew at that point that his dad thought I was less of a person anyway because of my divorce, and I didn't see how an annulment would change his opinion of me for the better. 

It was a very tense period in our relationship.  His father didn't know if he would come to the wedding since I wasn't getting an annulment and we weren't getting married in the Catholic Church.  In the end he did come to our wedding, but I think for him it felt more like a funeral.  My relationship with his father was very tense for about 5-6 years.  He didn't speak to me most of the time we were around each other, and when he did it was very awkward.  I don't think he knew what to make of me.  The only thing that made him a little nicer toward me was the announcement of our first pregnancy.  There's nothing like a baby to melt even the coldest of hearts.

I know that he loves his family deeply.  However, for a person like me who comes from a very visibly affectionate family, it's hard to see.  He doesn't hug his family.  He doesn't say "I Love You."  He doesn't play with his grandkids.  But I know now after many years of observing, that he is just not a visibly affectionate person.  He doesn't know what to do with himself to express his great love for his family.

One of the most amazing blessings out of this whole last year has been the change in my relationship with him.  Not only has he warmed up to me more since learning of my annulment process, and my current conversion to the faith, but he offered to be my sponsor for RCIA.  I can see so clearly that this is ALL the work of God's divine hand.  To go from barely speaking to each other to sitting next to each other each week as we learn more about the faith and the Church is far beyond what our stubborn human minds could have ever fathomed.  In yet another of God's wonderfully hilarious shows of humor, the first week he was able to attend with me, the topic of annulments came up.  And being the only person in the entire room who has ever had experience with the process, I got to sit there and give a recap while sitting next to my father in law, the very person whose relationship with me had been such a struggle, all over this very topic.  God is so good.

How Did I Get Here?

In the immortal words of the Talking Heads...."You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?"

Good question.

It has been a culmination of many life changing experiences over the last 17 years. 

The first disaster was the unexpected divorce of my parents.  And I mean COMPLETELY unexpected.  We never saw them fight EVER so we were completely caught off guard.

During the midst of this, my great-grandmother died.  Not so unexpected, she was 85 and in poor health, but I adored her completely.  She lived two houses down from us for the first 11 years of my life and I saw her everyday.  When we moved across town we didn't see her quite as much.  Man, I loved her.

After the chaos of the divorce, my dad remarried a year or two later.  It was stressful to say the least.  I was 19.  I wasn't interested in having a second mom.  I didn't want anything to do with having a new family.  So I got engaged to my boyfriend to get out of the house.

At 20 years old I married my 24 year old boyfriend.  It was the biggest mistake of my life.  We didn't talk about what we wanted, or our life plans, or what we wanted in our relationship.  He lied to me about wanting children.  He was extremely selfish and everything was about him.  Four years later in the ultimate act of selfishness he asked for a divorce and started seeing my best friend.  Nice.

On my own at 24 in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, life was bleak.  I began drinking and smoking heavily.  I became promiscuous.  I got involved with married men.  I didn't care about myself or what happened to me.  I was suicidal and hoped that I would die.  I could barely pay the bills.  I had nobody to help me.  Life was miserable.

The time came when I could no longer afford to live on my own.  I had to move home, 500 miles away, to live with my mom.  24 years old, divorced, and living with my mom.  Yeah.  Life was sucking.  It turned out to be the best turning point in my life.  I sobered up.  I got out of the unhealthy relationships.  I got my bills paid off.  And I even saved up a little money.

After a year at my mom's I met a sweet guy who I'll call H.an Solo. :)  Mr. Solo worked at the same place as me and was fun to talk to.  Eventually a friendship developed and after that a relationship developed.  We had our first date on Valentine's Day and married 6 months later.  Nearly 7 years later we have two sweet kids, a boy and a girl, and a pretty normal relationship.  We fight, we make up, we love passionately and we fight passionately.  We agree to disagree on some things, and we make a strong team on others.  We have different opinions at times, but in the end we have the same goals for our life together and for our family.  We came into our marriage with both eyes wide open, and we've had many more good times than bad.  I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather have seen as I walked down the aisle the second (and FINAL) time, or standing at the bedside as I delivered each of our babies.  I can't imagine growing old with anyone else.  I can't imagine taking on the world with anyone else as my partner.  We work hard, and it's hard work, but we're determined to remain a team and to love our kids and each other as best we can.  Divorce is not now, nor will it ever be, a word in our vocabulary.  We are completely committed to our relationship, period.

Life is pretty good now.  There have been some bumps along the way like struggles with family members, loss of grandparents, financial troubles, and health issues.  And of course raising kids is never easy.  But it's for better and worse, richer and poorer, til death do us part!

Desperately Seeking Jesus

“Married 30-something Mom desperately seeking a closer relationship with Jesus.  Raised in a 4th generation Protestant home but always found something lacking.  Searching for the Truth and trying to walk the straight and narrow while raising two little ones alongside a lapsed Catholic husband.  Praying for Jesus to meet me right where I am and lead the way.”

So that’s me--a 4^th generation Protestant (Methodist, to be specific) who is struggling with major doubts about the results of the Reformation. 

My blog is called the Accidental Convert because that’s really the best way to describe this past year in my life.  In August 2011, after 6 years of avoiding it, I went to see the local priest to get better details on the annulment process.  I had married at 20 and divorced at 24 (his choice, not mine) and when my husband and I were engaged 7 years ago his staunchly Catholic father "requested" that we take a meeting with the priest at the time and see about getting me an annulment.  The meeting ended in disaster when the priest ended up poking fun at my situation and laughing throughout the meeting as I poured out my hurt and my life story.  I left the meeting feeling shunned, belittled, heart-broken, and as if I were less of a person.  Needless to say it left me completely unwilling to go through the annulment process anytime soon.

My relationship with my in-laws remained tense after our wedding, and things just kept going from bad to worse over the next 6 years.  There were periods of peace, but most of the time things were tense at family gatherings.  There were numerous occasions when the subject of my previous marriage would come up in passing and the looks my father in law would direct my way were enough to let me know that he thought I was less of a person.  I let my husband know that I would appreciate it if he never spoke of my divorce again in the presence of his family.  I had enough pain left over from the divorce, I didn’t need fresh pain from people who thought I wasn’t worthy of standing in the same room because of a decision I didn’t even make. 

Fast forward 6 years and 2 kids later: due to heart-breaking experiences that year, I started re-evaluating my life and what kind of baggage I was holding onto.  I started thinking about the annulment again, trying to figure out what my real opposition was to the process.  Was I not doing it because my in-laws wanted me to and I wanted not to do it simply out of spite?  Was I not doing it because of the horrible experience with the priest, who was now retired?  Was I not doing it because I was trying to avoid digging deeper into the past and the emotions and experiences that went along with it?  Was I trying to protect that previous marriage by saying, “Yes, I was married before, an annulment is not going to make that not exist!”  And most importantly, was I not doing it because I didn’t want to take a serious look at my first marriage and understand the role I played in its downfall?  As I pondered all of these questions, I realized that the answer to each of them was pretty much a resounding “yes.”  God opened my eyes to the selfishness in my heart.  I was not going through the process because of my own selfish motivations, and my selfish motivations were keeping my Catholic husband, lapsed as he may have been, from being able to receive the sacrament of the Eucharist, and keeping us from being seen as validly married in the eyes of the Church.  As it all sunk in, I knew what I needed to do.

About a week before our 6^th wedding anniversary I went to see the local priest, who was kind and non-judgmental of my situation.  He spoke with complete kindness and love to help me understand what the Church teaches about marriage and why in the eyes of the Church the annulment is an essential process.  I left feeling as though a weight had been lifted already, and I hadn’t even started the process! 

My annulment is currently under review by the local Diocese and we should be nearing the end.  Of course, "the end" could still mean months as far as I know.  They have all the information they need from me, it's now in the hands of the priests.  My heart's desire would be to have the final decree before the end of summer so that my husband and I could have our Convalidation Ceremony close to our official wedding anniversary.  However, I'll just be glad whenever I get it.  It has been a huge struggle to go through the process but it has been so worth it.  Our kids can't wait for the ceremony so they can see Mommy and Daddy get "married" all over again!

This annulment process has also opened up communication between myself and my in-laws.  We have all begun to have a new level of respect and forgiveness for each other that wasn't there for nearly 7 years.  My family and I have started attending the Catholic Church of my husband's youth, where his father still attends.  Oh yeah, and that priest who is now retired who turned me completely off of the annulment process?  Yeah, he has led Mass 3 of the last 4 weeks we have attended.  If that's not a prodding from God I don't know what is!

So this blog is to chronicle my journey as I learn more about the Catholic Church, the doctrines and beliefs, as I finish my annulment, and as I discern God's call for my life and my family.  Welcome to the adventure!