Sunday, November 18, 2012

I'll take an annulment with a side of shame, please....

When Mr. Solo and I got engaged, initially everyone was happy for us.  We got engaged less than 2 months after our first date, so I was concerned that my family may think I was rushing into another marriage.  It turned out that my family was the least of our worries.

My future father-in-law was initially happy for us, but then things went to crap.  Because of my previous marriage, and his Catholic faith, there was of course an issue.  He "requested" that we take a meeting with the local priest and discuss the possibility of an annulment for my first marriage so that we could be married in the Catholic Church.  There were a few issues with this, in my opinion.  A: I wasn't Catholic and neither was my first husband, so why the heck did I need an annulment?  B: It was going to take probably over a year to complete and we were getting married in a matter of months.  C: We weren't planning on having a Catholic wedding anyway.  Since I grew up Protestant, I had very little information on what an annulment really was and why the Church thinks it is a necessary step.  The priest that met with us didn't help the pre-conceived notions I already had.  He served up the shame throughout the entire meeting; laughing, making jokes about my divorce, making me feel like less of a person.  I was so ashamed when I left that meeting.  I was so hurt and embarassed I vowed that I would NEVER seek an annulment, and I wouldn't have much if anything to do with the Catholic Church EVER.  I knew at that point that his dad thought I was less of a person anyway because of my divorce, and I didn't see how an annulment would change his opinion of me for the better. 

It was a very tense period in our relationship.  His father didn't know if he would come to the wedding since I wasn't getting an annulment and we weren't getting married in the Catholic Church.  In the end he did come to our wedding, but I think for him it felt more like a funeral.  My relationship with his father was very tense for about 5-6 years.  He didn't speak to me most of the time we were around each other, and when he did it was very awkward.  I don't think he knew what to make of me.  The only thing that made him a little nicer toward me was the announcement of our first pregnancy.  There's nothing like a baby to melt even the coldest of hearts.

I know that he loves his family deeply.  However, for a person like me who comes from a very visibly affectionate family, it's hard to see.  He doesn't hug his family.  He doesn't say "I Love You."  He doesn't play with his grandkids.  But I know now after many years of observing, that he is just not a visibly affectionate person.  He doesn't know what to do with himself to express his great love for his family.

One of the most amazing blessings out of this whole last year has been the change in my relationship with him.  Not only has he warmed up to me more since learning of my annulment process, and my current conversion to the faith, but he offered to be my sponsor for RCIA.  I can see so clearly that this is ALL the work of God's divine hand.  To go from barely speaking to each other to sitting next to each other each week as we learn more about the faith and the Church is far beyond what our stubborn human minds could have ever fathomed.  In yet another of God's wonderfully hilarious shows of humor, the first week he was able to attend with me, the topic of annulments came up.  And being the only person in the entire room who has ever had experience with the process, I got to sit there and give a recap while sitting next to my father in law, the very person whose relationship with me had been such a struggle, all over this very topic.  God is so good.

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